Worry

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength " This could not be a truer statement. I realized this weekend that work does not stress me , it's the worry . I am in full swing of tax season , we work long days and  weekends , I found myself worrying about meeting deadlines , getting everything done , making mistakes , and on and on . I stressed mysel completely out with worry . The space between our ears can make or break our lives . What do you think about .. My bet is stuff you can worry about , stuff that may or may not ever happen . Worry leads to despair , it saddens the heart , it dulls the mind , it takes away hope , it lends to a litany  of complaints ,and leaves not one opening for joy . Wayne used to tell me that 99 percent of what I worried about would never come to pass and he was right . So for today and maybe tomorrow , make a solemn promise to not let worry enter your mind .

A Dog's Day or Not

Tonight I spent my evening at the City Commissioners meeting where supposedly a vote was going to take place on the plight of our very dilapidated Animal Shelter. Our shelter is truly not repairable and we need a new one. Many citizens spoke on behalf of the Shelter and the end result was that the commissioners all needed more time to make sure they all had the same information before they could make a decision on to proceed with this project or not.  I have to assume that none of them knew the Boy Scout's motto "Be Prepared".  During the course of all this, someone had to start with the race issue and bring up how Marshall has a racial problem and we don't support our town like we support the Shelter issue and on and on . Now, this was about the animals in Marshall , their lack of care and the very high kill rate we have. I have never known a Caucasian dog or and African American dog, I think they are just all dogs. I think they all think the same way I do - I actually have 4 of these little fur babies and I can tell you , I can be gone 5 minutes or 5 hours and they greet me the same way - they are so excited to see me and clamor for just a pat on the head or a few minutes of lap time. Dogs are amazing , they love you unconditionally , they forgive without a moments hesitation and they never forget you. They don't have to live as long as we do - they get it right from the moment they are born. Humans could learn volumes of behavior from dogs, I think they act like God would like us to act,,, and we call ourselves the Superior Beings...hmmm

Ash Wednesday

Well today is Ash Wednesday - the start of Lent , a time of fasting and penance, I hear people say "its that Catholic thing"...when I was little , I remember the start of Lent all too well , our teachers started early on encouraging us to give up our favorite thing for the next 40 days, after all it was a small gesture on our part since Jesus died on a cross for us. That was hard to comprehend as a child but it was what we did ever year at this time.  So maybe you do or maybe you don't get the whole Lenten time , but what if you took this time to reflect upon who you are and what you don't like about you . What if for 40 days, you changed something about you that needs improvement.... maybe you don't complain for 40 days or maybe you take on a task that someone else usually does for you, maybe you own your mistakes, or maybe you spend time with someone instead of being glued to your phone. Whatever makes you a better you - do it for 40 days, who knows, it may just stick . We change our smoke alarm batteries once a year , we change our water filters at a certain time, how about we do the same check-up on us every year for 40 days.  Own this time , do some reflecting and remember Life can change in a moment.

A friend called tonight and she has a lot on her plate with her friends and family suffering with  illnesses  that may or may not be resolved.  As I was listening , I was thinking how we handle this thing called Life. Our brains register what is happening around us - on joyful  moments , our hearts sing , in other moments only our brain reacts. I knew the reality of Wayne living for several more years was not going to happen. I knew how his condition had deteriorated and I saw him become tired and lose a lot of weight in  a short time. The day he died , my heart screamed as if it had no idea I could actually lose him. The heart does not always know what the mind knows, it can't know because if it did, none of us would be able to live- we would be in a constant fearful, paralyzed state and we would be no good to anyone, especially ourselves. I hear people say "If only we had known"... I can tell you that will never happen , God gave us an ability to handle life in the only way we can . We can't feel badly about what we think we should have done or said or known. We all do the best we can with any situation at any given time and that is how we handle this thing called Life.

Today was all about work ... Taxes , insurance reporting and books. A couple came by to get their taxes done , the man used to work with Wayne in the oilfield and he had always visited with him when he came by the office . Wayne really enjoyed the conversations with this man and our intention was to have them for dinner sometime.  Today they stayed a while and shared some very amusing stories about one of their children and his antics on running away in situations that made him uncomfortable, they were very animated and quite interesting. The visit was lighthearted and full of laughter .. I suddenly regretted that I never got around to asking them to dinner. I regretted that I did not take the time to get to know them better and realized that I most likely missed out on several moments of joy by not spending a little time in their company . This is where I tell you .. Don't spend all your time at the office, Life is happening while you are sitting in that office and honestly as short as life is , you really don't want to miss any part of it.  Act on your intentions , so what if  it all does not work out exactly as you plan , it is just for today !

Life is a finicky character , it can be the greatest thing that delivers so much joy and in an instance it can be completely devastating  causing more grief  than your heart can bear. Everyday we get up and we do not know what dress life will be wearing today.  The day that Wayne died was the worst day of my life to that point - I remember thinking , how will I go on without him, my life will never again be the same and what do I do next.  Every day since that day has been a challenge, you finally have to figure out who you because it is now just you.  It's you going to bed alone and getting up alone , it's you in that house alone and you making all the decisions. There are all kinds of voices telling you what you need to do and how you need to feel.  I learned quickly to find a quiet spot and listen to one voice. Have I done every thing right.. no I have not, but at least I have done something. i am still working on moving ahead one day at a time . Some days I am great and some days I can't get away from the grief.  Today is a tough day, tomorrow will be better, it's time for a dress change.